My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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