hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
