You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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