you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
