All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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