Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
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i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
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Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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