Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize