The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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