saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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