this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
