he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
