he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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