If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
