i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
