This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
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What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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