I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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