Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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