that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We need to get me chipped asap
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
