Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
