Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
