By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
