life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
