At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
