I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
