she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
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I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
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Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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