discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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