I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
