In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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