please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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