guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Randomize
