her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
