Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
