you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i love accidental penises.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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