Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
