Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
