I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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