I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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