my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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