Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
