stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
