I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
