pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.