am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.