This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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