would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
