That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
