i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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