I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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