dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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