Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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