omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
