You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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