After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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