Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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