So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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