And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
